The Problem in Systems Change Work
If you are fighting to change systems that keep us divided, living with inequity, and continuously being dehumanized, you need to accept that conflict will arise.
It’s inevitable.
After over 20 years of formal training in conflict resolution and practice, I’m gobsmacked by how many people working in humanitarian aid and development have little to no skill in having difficult conversations.
In part 2 of this series, I share 4 steps to overcome barriers in having difficult conversations because the work you do is important.
Take 2 minutes to read this post to learn the skills you need to create a world where everyone is treated as a human being – and not dehumanized – and all of us experience equity.
The Solution for Systems Change
To change systems that keep us oppressed, we need to be clear about the problem we are trying to address, accept what we cannot change, and shift our focus to where we can make change.
This is, of course, easier said than done.
We can’t replace colonized systems overnight.
We can’t train away racism.
We can’t change perpetrators and bullies with the words: “You must stop this because I said so!”
We need to do is learn how to have difficult conversations.
How To Have Difficult Conversations in Four Steps
Step 1. Be Honest with Yourself
The easiest way to prepare forr conversations with those you’re in conflict with is to ask: What is the specific outcome I want from this conversation? What will make me say after the meeting, “YES! I left with what I wanted!” Even if you think it’s an unrealistic outcome, name it because where your focus goes, your intentions, energy, and action follow.
Step 2. Shift from Judgement to Practicing Curiosity
There are stakeholders I have particular trouble really listening to when working on systems change. I have a lot of judgement for parties who, despite their best intentions, perpetuate colonization and oppression.
That said, when engaging with them to stop both, I’ve trained myself to:
- notice judgement that arises in me,
- once I notice it, stick to listening actively and write what is being said to help me listen,
- take a breath (in and out – both ways), and ask constructive open-ended questions instead of judgemental, leading ones.
Step 3. Verbally Acknowledge
After actively listening, I verbally acknowledge what was said.
I don’t always agree, but before I raise concerns, I let the other parties know what I heard and check in to make sure I’ve understood them correctly.
Remember, acknowledgement is not agreement. And, acknowledgement is critical to active listening and resolving conflict.
Step 4. Shift to Common Interests or Shift Your Attention
When speaking to government officials, the military, NGOs, or the private sector, we don’t have common interests on the surface. It’s the economy vs. security vs. human rights vs. profit.
Sometimes, you find common ground: All parties want security, but they call it different things, like social justice.
While the terms are different, the desired outcome is the same: safety.
Sometimes, you don’t find common ground. And here’s the action many folks don’t take: When you realize the other party is unwilling to change or share accountability, walk away.
Shift your attention and energy to where you can make a difference.
Stay tuned for the next part to this series, or sign up for my mailing list below to get the next post delivered directly to your inbox.
P.S. Are you struggling with how to deal with conflict, support your team through conflict, or learn to self-advocate successfully? For coaching in leadership, giving, receiving and acting on feedback, difficult conversations, or advancing your career, learn more here.